I Want to Go to Heaven But I'm Afraid of Heights is a humorous memoir from a 77-year-old aged-out cougar who recounts her wildly unconventional life — inviting readers to laugh, giggle, smile, chuckle, or wet their pants. Just Depend(s).

A rehab clinic that taught her to Kegel. Three marriages, one long-term lover, and a dozen or so one-night stands — well, not really stands. A Christmas gift funded by picking pecans in a Georgia orchard full of cows and manure. The birth of her only child via the "ass-ing" method. Seven weeks in a mental ward with roommates Mrs. Noah and an FBI operative whose breasts housed sensitive recognizant equipment. An expedition ship that caught fire in the Galápagos, with a hundred over-the-hill passengers scrambling for lifeboats. And a seatmate roster that includes Frankie Valli, Richard Simmons, Hulk Hogan, and Bruce Jenner — she already had an inkling.

Provocative, resilient, and unapologetic, this is a memoir for anyone who understands that life's roller coaster is worth riding all the way through — drops, climbs, and all.

Release: Available Spring 2027